Part 9

He didn’t realize I knew he was behind me so I acted all casual, when I closed the phone he placed his big warm hands on my stomach and moved them slightly up and down… he started to peck the back of my neck, and bite it slightly, my heart stopped and sunk into my guts…

J: 7abebty

Me: hmm?

J: Meta t9eereen mine forever?

Me: it depends baby

J: on what? (Confused)

Me: on when you purpose

I turned my head to the right till our eyes met and gave him a grin, he smiled back

J: la wallah, (haha) baby I can't wait till my baby is in your stomach, baba I want to live with you forever, I want to grow old with you, 7abebty I could never imagine myself waking up or living a minute without this pretty face and …

Come on!! This has to be when he purposes! These are the perfect words and why would he tell me all this without a ring and do I really want to get married? Yea, but not to him? I wouldn’t be able to breathe!!! I would be cut out of my social circle more than I already am!!!.... But let's face it I love him, why am I thinking in this way, he should give me some time to think about this, ya3ni I don’t know if we would work! What if he… Ahhhh woman he is talking, think later!!!!

J: and everything is done, I just want to know your decision about it, and I hope you're not angry baby, so what do you say?

I turned till we met face to face, and he kept hugging me from the back side, our bodies were touching and we looked perfect, I do imagine him being my husband, he is taller than me, we match up great, we would have hot kids, he held me closer to him and tightened his hands I stayed quiet, I didn’t know what he was really asking me, I was speechless not knowing why!!

J: what do you say 7abooba?

Me: I don’t understand, your words didn’t sink in, can you explain it again? (I cant belive I blacked out of my own proposal)

J: baby I was telling you that I'm going to continue my masters in the US for a year or two

He said it as if he wasn’t hurting; he said it as if it was ok, and all planned out, I was so shocked! He said it with confidence as if he was thinking about it for years! I leaned my head on his cheast…

Me: and??

J: AND I want you to wait for me baby, I don’t want you to be anyone else's, and I would marry you but I just don’t want to get married now, I hope you understand what I mean, I don’t want to lose you, bas lama ma aby atzawaj now, none of my cousins are married, and I don’t want to be the one left out

My eyes opened wide, I rose my head and looked at him with complete shock, It was like a bee had just stung me… From thoughts of wedding bells to a long distance relationship! What is he thinking?

Me: that’s what you're worried about? Being left out? I have been "left out" of my social circle ever since we met and I was fine with it! if it meant that we would be together, because I loved you!

J: it's just a couple of years 7abebty; you just have to wait for me, well stay the same, la t5afeen…

Did he know what he was saying?! Did he realize that he just dropped a bomb on me and he is expecting me to sink it all in?!!! this is basically what he was saying, I want to go and live abroad for a while and I want you to wait for me here for two more years without a proposal and I don’t want to get married because I would rather fuck around with the other women over there than be committed to you!!

Me: I'm sorry, I don’t think that’s going to work out, I don’t want that.

I started to back of my body from this man; he wasn’t the man I loved! He wasn’t my J, my love, my baby... he was a stranger that didn’t want to be near me, as I backed off my eyes filled with tears, his hands held me closer to his body, I started to hit his chest with my hands, I looked like I was a crazy angry person. But who wouldn’t be in my situation?!

Me: waaa5er 3ani, I hate you! I'm not going to wait for you, I don’t care!

I repeated these words as I got more into rage, I hit him harder and harder, he didn’t move except to bring me closer to him and shush me…

J: 7abeebty don’t cry, I'm not leaving for another month or so, we can spend as much time as you want together

Me: a month? That’s enough for you?! How long have you known? I don’t want to be with you, MOVE!!

I screamed from the top of my lungs, I just wanted to be alone, I didn’t want to be around him, and I hated him at that moment! It seemed as if he expected this because he knew exactly how to react to this situation… after nearly 10 minutes of crazy action, I collapsed into his arms and started to cry… now I needed comfort, from the man I loved, him!

J: baby I love you (kissing me on my forehead)

Me: rasy y3awer, I want to leave.

J: yala 7abebty, gomai badlai

I felt weak again, I couldn’t get up to change and I couldn’t move a muscle either…

Me: maby I'm going chethy

J: la wayed g9eer el short, ill change you 7abebty

Why was he acting like he cared?! He didn’t!!!!!

Me: la, I'm leaving chethy

J: getlich la, gomai 7abebty, ma tabeeny abadilich ya 7elwa?

Me: la! Wa5er 3ani, malik shi8el feeny

It was the first time I gave him attitude, and he deserved it, he was leaving me…

J: 7eta lou ma tabeeny ana ma agdar a5alee ily a7ebha te6al3 chethy w a5alee el 9bayaan yshoufounha chethy… a'3aar 3alaich and you know that baby.

I didn’t feel like arguing back I was so tiered my blood pressure was low and after all the drama I couldn’t argue, I wanted to take a long bath and sleep. He carried me into his room and put me on his bed. He gently undressed me till I was just in my panty, he slowly took each hand and put it through the bra straps, his warm hands felt so good touching up my body… he turned to my back to close up my bra…

J: on the second or third?

Me: on the first

He closed it on the second thinking I didn't notice, it was just a matter of 3naad now, anything I said he would do differently, and anything he said I would do differently, it didn’t really matter now. He put my white Marc Jacobs dress on, and put my slippers on for me..

J: sh7alaaatich, yala 7abebty

I didn’t bother answering him, it was pointless… we rode the car so he would drop me to Hala's chalet… I didn’t say a word the whole way and I didn’t feel like seeing her either. He turned on the first CD to the first song, "balaa 7ob balaa wejaa3 galb wish janaa min wara hal 7ob '3air el alam '3air el ta3aab wish janaaa ya naas…"

He held my left knee tight and sang with the song in a teasing tone to make me laugh, I didn’t react or say a word to him I turned my face to the right, tilted my head back and cried, I felt me5tanga, like someone was chocking me, it hurt so much, I couldn’t breathe! It hurt to lose the person I loved…